It's the holiday season! Time to spend with people you love and eating and drinking far too much.
Winter is my least favourite season. My body hates the cold, it literally starts falling apart. There's nothing attractive about having dry skin so bad that you can peel it off even after using every moisturizer you can find. My birthday falls in winter too. For the past few years it has been a time where someone has made up for a shitty Christmas by gifting all the things they could possibly find that they think that you should want, not necessarily the things that you actually want. I'm fully aware that this makes me sound ungrateful but part of this season will always be difficult for me. And for many others. There is so much anxiety that can be associated with giving gifts (will they like i?, will they use it?, do they already have it?, did it cost enough?, do they think enough effort went into it?...), spending a large amount of time with a lot of people which then brings in all the panic and sets off a lot of warnings in your head as well as trying to make sure you appear present enough at all times. The last year (2018) was my first Christmas at home in 8 years. It was about 4 months into therapy and about 6 months after I had come home. And I felt listened too. I had come home to escape from something horrible and as much as I didn't realise it, It was and still is, a safe place. It took a long time to be able to articulate the way I was feeling and what I needed from people. They had to be incredibly understanding as a lot of the time I wasn't even able to explain what I was feeling/what I needed. And also the being overpowered by the illogical part of my brain which was telling me in no uncertain terms that I was nothing at all. Part of what I need, and still need is time. Time just to be. With battles in your head every day, all day, time is important. I used to never be able to stand silence, it had been taught to me that silence means someone is not ok and you have to fix it which would lead into a delightful spiral and we all know how much fun that spiral can be. Last year my mum gave me slippers and a dressing gown. It doesn't sound like much but it was perfect because it allowed me to be in a 'safe' space and to be able to be wearing something given with love that I could feel when I was spiraling, as well as something I could touch, physically touch, which could help bring me back to the room. And it was a way to show there is time. Time to take just for me, be it in silence or with noise. Time to spend with people or without, I was being shown that I had that choice. Time to work out how to be friends with my illogical brain. I was allowed to be there, and much more importantly I was able just to be me. Time is one of the most precious gifts we can give to anyone and too many people now get bogged down with the idea of finding the perfect present. Make a memory with someone, that will last a lifetime. It can be the kind of thing they use when they are feeling down, when they feel hopeless or lost. As someone who deals with mental illness it helps us to recognize and empathize with others who may feel similar to us. Their feelings are valid too. So from this year I have decided (still get a thrill out of the fact I now trust myself to make a decision for myself, about myself) that I will make memories. As many memories as I can. And I will make as many as I can for and with others. So when I spiral, or when they spiral, we can wear them like a dressing gown and know that even when times are hard or even seem impossible, we can and will make it through. There are more memories to be made on the other side of the horrendous spiral. You are enough. You are not alone. You are ok. Let's do our best to help others to be ok too.
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So the delightful thing about having an illogical part of your brain is you question a heck of a lot more than you would if you didn't have one. This goes for absolutely everything, from a person not returning a smile on the street to someone you know well responding to a message in a different way.
This becomes even more of a challenge when you don't feel like you are worthy of emotions. As part of my illogical brain it tells me that everyone else is worthy of emotions and theirs come before mine. This means that I have to make every one else ok before myself. This brings even more of a challenge when meeting unfamiliar emotions that you haven't felt/been allowed to feel for a long time. One I came across recently was anger. Obviously, I say that because it is obvious to my brain, I haven't felt this for a considerable amount of time. Once this emotion rears its head it becomes even more a problem. As much as it is fun to feel a negative emotion, use it and then grow from it, I don't feel that I am worthy of the emotion to begin with. Then Come the questions. The delightful questions. Luckily I have found people whose opinions I trust without question. This puts me in a good position because I'm allowed to question with them if my feelings are valid without fear of someone putting me down. I know they are working hard to create a safe space for me to question and grow in and I cannot put into words how much I appreciate it. So one the emotion arrives, you question it. After you question it you then have to figure out how to process it. That is even more fun. Because the whole idea of being allowed to feel this emotion is so weird to you, taking the next step seems even more difficult. A way that I have found which seems to work for me is to first determine what the emotion is. Then to find a 'safe' person to ask if the emotion is valid (normally I'll ask if I allowed to feel it too but I'm slowly trying to get past that point). Then I will try to think of all the ways that I can go froward from where I am (I am aware that this feeds the illogical part of my brain as it can go off on many incredible tangents, however I try to use a tool gained in therapy to sort through them to get rid of the ones I can't do anything about). Finally I will talk through possible realistic outcomes before deciding on one and working towards it. For the incident that sparked this post everything was resolved well and a good way. As hard as it may be to remember, everyone's feelings are valid. Every single person and every feeling that they have. That includes me. That includes you. You are enough. You are not alone. You are ok. One of the hardest parts about having mental health problems is you often forget who you are. It's not something that you do on purpose, it's more that there are so many things in the way of you being able to see the good, that you only see the bad.
So you hear all these people saying about how you have to take care of what is on the inside before you take care of what is on the outside, what you eat, when you exercise etc
The thing is this is also true of your mind. I know this from personal experience. And I've paid the price for it too. I still do to be fair. When your mind is in such a way that you can't focus on anything other than surviving the next five minutes, plus making sure you have a plan a, b, c and d just in case whilst also imaging the worst case scenario for everyone around you and making sure that they are all ok because that means you will be ok, it doesn't leave much of you left to make sure that your body is working properly. This results in having a bunch of sicknesses happening all at one time. Which is a plus because at least it is all in one go, but also happens whenever you slow down just a little. In the past year I have had: chest infections, kidney infections and problems with my immune system. I've also been deficient in a bunch of vitamins that are essential. I also get really bad breakouts as well as really dry skin. Amongst over things. While I try my best to take care of myself (I take multi vitamins and vitamin C everyday, along with a 'tonic' tablet twice a day, it always seems like a defeat when this happens. Because if I'm doing everything that I should be then why do I get sick when I slow down? The thing I have slowly come to realise is that getting better is not a case of taking a few pills and a bit of therapy. It's continual, It take a load of work, sometimes you don't even realise that you are working just as hard as you are. And that's ok. In order for my mind and my body to be in balance there has to be work. And because so much of my energy is used up by my mind it leaves less for my body to run on. The key to this is patience. Every day I take my tablets (happy pills and all), I make sure I eat properly (right now I'm on one solid meal a day and a smoothie full of fruity goodness) and I continue working on becoming friends again with the illogical side of my brain. In no way am I saying that I have got it all figured out. Not in the slightest. I'm fully aware my brain will never be what it was before. And that's ok too. I might have to take the happy pills forever. And that's ok too. I do what I can with the tools I already have and slowly learn to use those tools in more ways. And when I get all the sickness in one go there isn't too much else I can do other than ride it out. With lots of snacks, because snacks make everything better. You can do it too. You are enough. You are not alone. You are ok. When I first came back to England (I had been away for a while and will cover that in another post) the people around me could see what I couldn't, that I needed help. It didn't matter what form this help came in but it was clear I needed it.
Hi, I'm Cat. I'm 28 years old and from England. I like cooking, reading, traveling and learning as much as I can. My favourite colour is blue and I wish I was able to carry a tune.
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