It's the holiday season! Time to spend with people you love and eating and drinking far too much.
Winter is my least favourite season. My body hates the cold, it literally starts falling apart. There's nothing attractive about having dry skin so bad that you can peel it off even after using every moisturizer you can find. My birthday falls in winter too. For the past few years it has been a time where someone has made up for a shitty Christmas by gifting all the things they could possibly find that they think that you should want, not necessarily the things that you actually want. I'm fully aware that this makes me sound ungrateful but part of this season will always be difficult for me. And for many others. There is so much anxiety that can be associated with giving gifts (will they like i?, will they use it?, do they already have it?, did it cost enough?, do they think enough effort went into it?...), spending a large amount of time with a lot of people which then brings in all the panic and sets off a lot of warnings in your head as well as trying to make sure you appear present enough at all times. The last year (2018) was my first Christmas at home in 8 years. It was about 4 months into therapy and about 6 months after I had come home. And I felt listened too. I had come home to escape from something horrible and as much as I didn't realise it, It was and still is, a safe place. It took a long time to be able to articulate the way I was feeling and what I needed from people. They had to be incredibly understanding as a lot of the time I wasn't even able to explain what I was feeling/what I needed. And also the being overpowered by the illogical part of my brain which was telling me in no uncertain terms that I was nothing at all. Part of what I need, and still need is time. Time just to be. With battles in your head every day, all day, time is important. I used to never be able to stand silence, it had been taught to me that silence means someone is not ok and you have to fix it which would lead into a delightful spiral and we all know how much fun that spiral can be. Last year my mum gave me slippers and a dressing gown. It doesn't sound like much but it was perfect because it allowed me to be in a 'safe' space and to be able to be wearing something given with love that I could feel when I was spiraling, as well as something I could touch, physically touch, which could help bring me back to the room. And it was a way to show there is time. Time to take just for me, be it in silence or with noise. Time to spend with people or without, I was being shown that I had that choice. Time to work out how to be friends with my illogical brain. I was allowed to be there, and much more importantly I was able just to be me. Time is one of the most precious gifts we can give to anyone and too many people now get bogged down with the idea of finding the perfect present. Make a memory with someone, that will last a lifetime. It can be the kind of thing they use when they are feeling down, when they feel hopeless or lost. As someone who deals with mental illness it helps us to recognize and empathize with others who may feel similar to us. Their feelings are valid too. So from this year I have decided (still get a thrill out of the fact I now trust myself to make a decision for myself, about myself) that I will make memories. As many memories as I can. And I will make as many as I can for and with others. So when I spiral, or when they spiral, we can wear them like a dressing gown and know that even when times are hard or even seem impossible, we can and will make it through. There are more memories to be made on the other side of the horrendous spiral. You are enough. You are not alone. You are ok. Let's do our best to help others to be ok too.
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