So recently I was having a conversation with my Mother and she started talking about something called catastrophizing. It caught my attention because it sounded like something I am very aware that I may do, Basically it boils down to pretty much what it says on the tin. It's a belief you have that comes from your illogical brain that tells you that a situation is way worse than it actually is. Delightfully you can do this in one of two ways: you can be in a current situation and see it as a catastrophe or you can imagine a situation in the future that could turn into a catastrophe (because why not cover all bases?) This can be literally anything. Imagine you are at work and someone makes a comment about how something wasn't quite finished. Your mind isn't nice to you telling you that it's fine because you know you will finish it today. Instead it goes on to create all these negative scenarios. For example: because you didn't finish that work you are going to lose your job. No one else will want to employ you because you lost your last job. You clearly don't have good enough skills or a high enough work ethic. You are going to have to move out of where you live because you won't be able to pay rent so you'll probably end up homeless and homeless people can't get work. People won't want to know you because you are just a drain on society and you'll just end up dying in a ditch alone. The other delightful problem with this is that it doesn't just come from someone else. If you get too into your head then your illogical brain can just take the reins and come up with all kinds of catastrophes that will happen in the next 2 minutes and in the next 5 years. Along with all of the outcomes. Obviously this isn't going to happen. This is a story that your mind has made up. The other point I'd like to make here that as someone who has gone through abuse my mind has been conditioned (in a way) to always think I've done wrong and I have to make it right. So automatically this kind of scenario comes up in your mind. Followed immediately by ways in which you can correct them. And later by ways in which you can ensure they don't happen again. It's a lot to go through mentally. When you act in a way that you see the future events all happening and you believe it will go wrong, in a way like you don't deserve it to right, so you will act in ways that make the negative future you have in your head happen. This also means things like projecting the behaviour of another onto someone who has not or will not act that way. This I know I have done. It's not a behaviour that I am proud and it's something that I am trying to change, IT's tough. Really tough. You have to combat a way of thinking that you know and that you feel safe in even if you know that it is not helping you. It's so hard to do. And you have to do it so much. Especially when it just keeps coming at you. But that's one of the good parts of this: you get to become a better you. Here's the thing though. Once you get to the stage where you are aware that this is what you are doing you then have to think of ways in which you can stop doing this. It's somewhere that you feel safe, if you have prepared your mind by thinking of how everything can and will go wrong then you know what is coming. Also because you believe you don't deserve anything good then you are making life true to what you believe.
So there are things you can do to help with putting a limit on how much you have these thoughts or even just being aware that you are having these thoughts. These are things that I have found that seem to help a bit (obviously I slip every once in a while but at least I'm trying which is the main point right?) One of the things I've read that you can try to do to help is try to recognise when you are having these thoughts that are coming from you delightful illogical brain. One thing that I found reasonably useful is to write down the thoughts when you have them. I love a good highlighter so I'd pick a colour and then highlight the thoughts that I saw were coming from my illogical brain. Obviously it's difficult to do and it does take a bit of practice. But it does make it something colourful which is a plus (you've got to find them wherever you can!) As strange as it sounds sometimes we hang onto these thoughts and we will revisit them at later dates and obviously we need to work through them at our own place. When you feel strong enough or that you have worked through the thoughts a good amount then you can release the thoughts to the universe. Basically this can be something as simple as screwing up the paper and throwing it in the bin, You can also rip it up or burn it. (I am a fan of burning just because I've been cooking in a wood fire oven and I like the thought that my negativity is being used to create something delicious.) The above is a step that I found difficult but actually really challenging. The main challenge I found was separating the thoughts in my head. Seeing them on paper made it a little easier but these thoughts have helped me and kept me safe in certain situations. However it has created issues for me in other areas, which I had chosen to ignore (like a true adult) Part of what really hampered me was the fact that I spent so much of my life in a severely anxious and depressive state but with no idea that It was actually not the norm to be thinking the way that I was. Therefore it became my normal and worked for me. Well, it didn't actually work for me but it did. I know I've said this in a few blog posts but making sure that you are taking care of yourself is important. Sleep is one of the best things in the whole entire world and so very very elusive that it is just incredible. The week of writing this post I have had a period where I slept a grand total of 1.5 hours in a 40 hour period. Before that I had nights of 2-3 hours. And it shows. I am in less control on my illogical brain and it's hampering me and those around me. So take the time, really just like 5 minutes a day to just be aware of you. Listen to a song you love, read part of a book, whatever it takes. You are allowed to. Once you recognise the thoughts that are coming from the illogical brain you can start to try and play this fun game. For every negative thought that you have, you then think of a positive thought to go with it. For this to work you first have to register the thought is coming from your illogical brain, accept that it might not be so realistic and then come up with a positive thought. It seems like a lot of work and to begin with it is but once you get into the hang of it, it does become a lot easier. Using the example earlier (some notices that some work wasn't finished the day before) Negative thought: I'm going to get fired. Positive thought: I know that the work I have done has been done to the best of my ability. Another example but this time of your illogical mind just battling you would be something like Nobody wants me to be around them because no one has messaged me. Positive thought: It gives me time to read that book I've been trying to or It's actually a blessing in disguise because I am really tired and listening to my body so now I have the chance to sleep. One thing that I am interested in trying to do is positive affirmations. Obviously it's taking me some time to choose the correct affirmation because you have to believe it and I'm still doing a lot of work on building up my self worth. But it would be helpful to have something to say that I genuinely believe to be able to stop my illogical brain going crazy. Any suggestions I'd be glad to hear them. Although it seems like an insurmountable amount of work, if you take it just one day and one illogical thought at a time you can do some good. Really, you can do it. You are enough. You are not alone. You are ok.
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Expectations are difficult. For one everyone has them regardless of if they voice them or not. Second, you give yourself some that you may be able to achieve and some that you know you cannot but they are still there. When you first get diagnosed with a mental illness (illogical brain), you go and look it up. That is what the internet is for right? So you can get all of the information easily. Then you read about people who have whatever you have. Then you begin to form expectations. You begin to expect triggers, you begin to expect that by doing x, y and z you will help yourself. You begin to expect that you have to do certain things to get better. You read about people who have the same illogical brain that you do. You read about what caused them to have the illogical brain (here I am talking in terms of C-PTSD). Then you judge your event(s) against their event(s) and from there you come up with an idea of how long it should take you to recover and be a fully functionally human being again. Therein lies the first problem: there is no comparing of events and there is no way to predict how long it will take for you to feel like you have a handle on your illogical brain. Even now, almost 2 years after I left the major factor in getting help, I am still learning how to cope, although I'm a heck of a lot better at being able to articulate what I am feeling because I understand it more. So you go to the doctor. You say how you are feeling (as well as you are able to) and you you take that first step. You expect different things from that first step. I honestly expected that the doctor was going to tell me that bad things happen but sometimes we overreact and we can just move on with things. But she didn't. So then I was thrown because I had built up this whole idea of what they would say and now she had begun the process of validating how I felt. So after this first appointment I went back to the doctor because I had been given a tiny bit of belief that I was worth something. We spoke and she suggested calling Health in Mind (I had the best experience with them and I will always suggest them to anyone who needs help). She then talked about trying happy pills. I was unsure about it because I had a set of expectations attached to taking them. I expected that they would make me feel weird, that I wouldn't feel like myself and that I would become emotionless. Oddly enough I didn't even feel like myself anyway, I felt like a shell but for some reason I still had to protect that idea of me. When you mention to people that you take happy pills they have a set of expectations that go along with that. They expect that you will behave in certain ways. They expect that you will react the situations in a negative manner. They see you a little differently. People tend to fall into 3 categories: 1 - that's nice, let's just gloss over that; 2 - Treat you with kid gloves or 3 - someone with experience of mental illness who says that you for telling me. You can probably guess which ones help the most. Some people have the best of intentions but they have expectations of how you will react to their actions. People with illogical brains won't react in the way you think they will. They just won't. Even now, 2 years down the line I am incredibly uncomfortable receiving any kind of gift - it makes me cry, I don't know what to do or say, I don't understand why I have been given it, I feel like I have to give something back. You can The thing is I didn't even want to take them to begin with. With everything that is happening in the world now I can see how much they work for me. They are not a magic answer that mean you are fine with just taking them everyday and you become a person with no illogical brain.
The truth is you expect them to work magic. You expect them to help you from the second you take them - most take about 6 weeks to begin having effects and normally you will feel worse before you feel better. That is before you get onto the correct dosage, or even the right type of happy pill. I had to try 2 others before I got this one and then the dosage has been changed a few times too. And another one has been added. That's just how it works. The whole getting happy pills that work is a process. Expectations can hamper you. A lack of expectations can hamper you. Other people's expectations can hamper you. The way in which you approach these expectations can help you a huge amount. Communication is key. If you are not communicating with people how can they know if they are helping or if they are hindering? As hard and overwhelming as it is to communicate with people it's one of the best things you can do. And with these conversations you can have expectations that you can set. You can let people know that you don't need them to be there all the time and that you are aware this is a journey. You can tell them that you will try your hardest to be as honest and open with them as you feel able to. You can share that this applies to both of you. I have had these conversations with my mother. We sat down a while after I had come home and I let her know that I was going to therapy and starting happy pills again (I took a break when the first 2 didn't agree with me but I came to realise that I couldn't focus on working to combat my illogical mind without some form of extra help). I said that I would let her know more when I felt able to. This relationship has turned into a phone call once a week just to check in with each other from a mental standpoint and vent any frustrations or work through any negative emotions or share any positive emotions we have been feeling. I used to stop by her work after therapy and she would take a break so we could just chat and talk about how I was feeling. As I have become mentally stronger we have been able to share so much and because of having fair and clear expectations we have both gained a huge amount from the progress in this relationship. The whole point of expectations is something you think you will achieve, gain or learn from an experience. By facing these expectations head on you become more in control of what is goin on around you which leaves you more able to focus on the struggle and journey going on inside your mind. By taking this small step (even though it seems huge every time you do it) you are empowering yourself, helping to strengthen relationships in your tribe and building up a part of the life that you want. So try taking that first step. Just give yourself a little push to step outside of the box your illogical brain has created for you to reside in. You are enough. You are not alone. You are ok. So when you leave an abusive relationship and fly back to your home on the other side of the world (because it is one of the few countries that you can get into but your ex cannot) it is strange. I am English. I grew up in England. I spent most of my life in South East England and had only been to a couple of European countries. When I was 21, I moved to China for what I thought was going to be a year, it turned out to be 6 and a half years. This means I spent my formative adult years on the other side of the world to what I grew up with. When I came back I didn't have people here that I had had a whole lot of contact with while I was away. I've always been bad at keeping in contact with people and to be honest I didn't really want to see people when I came back. I felt like I had failed. It compounded the feeling of not being good enough as I had moved back into my parents and also I came back without a job. When I came home, someone built up a close relationship with me. They would spend time with me, let me talk about how I was feeling in what I believed to be a safe space and spent time outside with me and their dog. This happened over a few months. During this time I was supposed to begin a new job in a new country but I had received news that my ex had heard about the job and had also applied. I was also still be emailed by my ex who had tried messaging my family members and my friends as well as emailing them too. During this time I would eat what they wanted, do what they wanted and be available for when they wanted me, What I had basically done was replace one person controlling my life with another. This was not a great move but in my befuddled state I couldn't see what I was doing. It took months before I even tried reaching out for any kind of serious help and there were set backs on that journey. When you surround yourself with people who become your tribe, there has to be a safe place. created for everyone in that group. They need to be people that you trust, who you will support at their worst and celebrate them at their best while they do the same for you. When you find yourself to be in a tribe of someone who is not supportive, it really does screw with your brain. When this happened to me it hampered my mind a lot. It made me believe more that every one behaved in the way that I had been treated and that I genuinely was not enough. I clearly wasn't good enough to be by myself or my own person. This showed in a bunch of different ways. They felt threatened when I would talk about what happened to me and would switch the conversation onto something that was about them and how bad their life was. Here's the thing: bad things happen to people and people respond to bad things in different ways. there is no comparing of this or a scale system showing you how bad your event(s) were compared to those of someone else. The important thing is to listen and be there for people when they need, even if they don't realise/think that they need you. The effects of this could be felt in a number of small ways: I wouldn't go out by myself (hampering me from forming relationships with other people); I felt like my thoughts weren't important; I failed to ask for help for a long time; I had placed someone else ahead of myself; I trivialised my own experiences because they would have made someone else feel bad or that their experiences were not valid. This relationship became strained when I started to ask for help from other sources. I would spend time with other people and then I got a full time job. This obviously cut down on the amount of time we could spend together. Around the time of starting my job was when I began therapy. This process first involved a phone call to Health in Mind before being called back for a more in depth assessment, before being given the opportunity to work with a wonderful lady who really helped me. When I was assigned the therapist, it further effected the relationship. Now they decided that they would do the same thing as me because they were really finding things difficult. This wasn't an issue at all and I encourage every one to find the help that they need when they feel able, but it was used as a chance to belittle what was happening to me. This in turn made things more difficult for me because I was beginning to try and put myself first whilst being told that I wasn't being worth being put first by someone who I trusted. When we choose the people we have relationships with, we need to make sure that they are people who fully have your back, while you fully have theirs. When you have an illogical brain you will look for people who fit into the skewed view that you have of yourself but this is something you have to work past. While you explore your mind, you need to be reassured that your tribe are there for you and that you are there for them. It's difficult. Sometimes it is beyond difficult. You have to look at yourself and pull yourself to pieces to figure out which parts of you are helping others and which parts are helping you. Your tribe wants you to be the best version of yourself and you want your tribe to be the best version of themselves, never forget that. You are enough. You are not alone. You are ok. So once you start on the journey of trying to figure out your head and which messages are coming from your illogical brain things should become easier right?
The problem with this is (and I am unsure if it is only from a C-PTSD perspective but that's the only one I can use) is that you have these things that they call triggers. These are things that make you feel like you are in a situation that you have been in before which was negative and had a very negative influence on you. For example: in one of my previous relationships whenever my boyfriend drank outside of our apartment he would find something wrong with me (appearance, personality, pretty much anything) He would then argue with me, take my money and walk off. This would end with me following him to a taxi, which he would get in and leave me to walk home from where ever we were. This resulted in me firstly being unable to be around people who were drinking for fear that everyone would react the same way. Secondly it meant that should I be with anyone who had been drinking and walking somewhere, if they happened to walk in front of me I would automatically assume it meant that they were going to leave me. This would happen if I was stone cold sober or if I had had a cider to be socially acceptable. This happened while out with different people and was just such a knee jerk reaction that I didn't even realise how not normal it was. When I started therapy I went in thinking that I had no triggers. Nothing at all. I just had a brain that was being silly. The interesting part about therapy is that we didn't work to point out the triggers themselves, we educated my logical brain so it could see more of when the illogical brain was taking control. This worked more on a kind of: 1. Think the thought. 2. Try and work out which brain it is coming from. 3. Come up with reactions for both and think which feels more unusual. 4. Try going with the reaction that wasn't ingrained and see what happened. This is taxing to do and I'm not sure I have explained it in the best way possible so I'll give you a an example. The problem here is that (as with anyone who is a survivor of abuse of any kind) over time you become conditioned to think in a certain way, which then becomes your new normal. Basically this means that your reaction to something that others would see as completely mundane, is completing over the top. So basically something as simple as going out for dinner becomes the crazy huge ordeal. When I look back on it now it just seems so crazy. So basically there were rules (I didn't realise it then but I do now) for when we went out for food. First off, we only went for food when he wanted to, the rest of the time I would have to order it. Secondly, my outfit and appearance had to be approved by him before we could go. Third, it could only be a place that he wanted to go. (If I was really good we might be allowed to go for one of the foods he knew I loved). Fourth, I would always have something that cost less than his meal (because I was less important). Fifth, I had to have meat in whatever I was eating. Sixth, There were certain topics that I was not allowed to talk about, for example anything to do with my job that he wasn't doing ( I was in a higher position than him, anything to do with any of the men in the male dominated office I worked in). And so on. I think you get the picture. Writing that list as strange as I look back in a way and see that person as a separate person to the one that I am now. It seems crazy to my brain now that there are so many rules that I was following that I genuinely thought were just part of every day life. It genuinely made me feel quite sad and I had to pause writing this post to try and process some of how this was making me feel as there is still a lot from this that I have chosen to keep in the cupboard in terms of emotions but it is helping to work through it at a pace that I find reasonable as well as helpful for me. Too much in one go in just massively overwhelming and because I ignored/refused to deal with the emotions for so long that now they come out when I'm not expecting it. The thing is some of those enforced habits you carry with you. To this day I will not order first unless we have decided beforehand that I am paying, and it still happens rarely. So with the therapy you start to look at what actions you are doing. Then you look at why you are doing them. Then you have to think of how you can make them seem ok to your illogical brain if you stop doing them. If we break down some of the rule examples from above and apply them to my life afterwards. I worked afterwards so could still pay for things. I would always make sure that I was paying for things for people (makes their life easier and them happier is the reasoning I gave myself). For a long time I would not go out for food with people, I just simply didn't. I would cook or eat salad (which is mainly what I ate for months) One of the big ones was appearance. When I put on clothes I had to view them from a strange point of view, they had to be both attractive and modest. That way I had covered all bases. Now when I get dressed, I put on the things that I want to wear. If I want to wear shorts then I will. It feels so incredibly empowering to be able to wear items of clothing that I feel comfortable in rather than what someone else has chosen for me. So the thought pattern becomes: 1. Can I wear this outfit for dinner? 2. Thoughts come from both brains (For ease here I have made the logical brain thoughts italic and the illogical brain thoughts bold): Can I wear shorts? Which t-shirt can I wear with shorts? Should I have my Arms covered? What will make people mad if I wear shorts? Am I revealing enough skin? Am I revealing too much skin? Will anyone else be wearing shorts? Are they too short? Do I look fat in them? Is it too cold to wear shorts? Should I take a jumper? 3. Yes I can wear shorts, I can wear that t-shirt with shorts. There isn't a specific reason why I should. I don't think it will make people mad but I'll check what mood he is in first. Unsure. Unsure. I have no idea. I will be in trouble if they are. I hope not but maybe I have a pee belly. It may be but my legs don't ever get that could. Yes, I will always take a jumper, because I always get cold. 4. Ingrained reaction: I will wear long shorts just in case and check my outfit with him before we leave. New reaction: I will take a jumper in case I get cold but I like these shorts so I am going to wear them. When you write it, it doesn't seem like it is that much of a change. It definitely does not look like it should take this much time or energy but it has. The actions and thoughts have been so repeatedly pushed into my head that I genuinely believed that I had to have approval for my clothing. Changing a thought process is hard work. It take a lot of being present (something that you tend not to do when you are busy being extremely anxious or depressed). Being present is one of the best gifts you can give yourself when moments are good. You have to be able to recognise the thought pattern to begin with and see that it is having a detrimental effect on you. Then you have to work towards constantly change that pattern by changing the outcome of the thought and turning it into something more positive or beneficial to you., you really do have to work at it., That said it's an incredible reward. This teeny tiny part of me is now under my control. it is now my actions that determine what I wear, no one else has control of that. I am able and allowed to do that. So give it a go. Take that one teeny tiny part of your struggle that you think you can conquer and go for it. You can do it. You are allowed to do it. You are enough. You are not alone. You are ok. |
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