Recently a cat died. This wasn't a cat that I had known all my life, She wasn't a cat I had known for half of my life. She was a cat I met at a help exchange (where you work a few hours a day in return for board and sometimes food).
She was found by another person at the help exchange before I arrived.. She had been bitten by a snake and was close to death. Ants were eating her hind quarters. This person took her in. They fed her. They kept her warm and made sure she felt safe. She knew that she was loved. And she grew from this. She became stronger. All of a sudden this animal that had all but given up was walking and interacting with others again. She stayed at the help exchange. She would walk around, slowly and obviously concentrating. But people would wait for her to reach them, they would lavish attention on her because they could see how much it meant to her and how hard she had worked for it. It took her a good deal longer to walk across the kitchen than it did any of the other animals. A few days ago she began fitting. These weren't small fits and there was no obvious sign as to why they were happening. She would have them in the kitchen, outside or even upstairs. People became worried but with so many volunteer workers passing through, their concern was good but ultimately not helpful. She was then put in a cage by people overnight to keep her warm. This was a good idea because if she had a fit she wouldn't come to any harm but also meant there was a barrier between her and the rest of the world as she knew it. Two days ago she had a big fit in the kitchen. She came up to the room I am in and while one of the other volunteers did beautiful henna on my leg I just held her on my lap, with the occasional stroke when she moved. When my boyfriend came in from work he wanted to put her on the bed and stroke her. We put her in her cat bed, wrapped in a towel and kept her close to us whilst making sure there was background noise so it was similar to being in the kitchen, where she spent most of her time. At around 9:30 PM she had a huge fit. It lasted for around thirty minutes and the whole time we were both telling her that she was ok, that she was safe. She had the touch of 2 people and their undivided attention and love when she passed away. We buried her in the garden. She has a headstone and she will give new life to the plants that grow there, so she will live on. She died in the same room I was in when I was told my Godfather had died. In a place so built upon the idea of finding yourself, where you can become better, where you have time, was where time ran out, This is coming from someone who named every single inanimate item they own because everyone has to be ok (if they have a name then they immediately have feelings) and therefore I could not hurt myself with them because their feelings were more important than mine. I'm fully aware that these are made up feelings that I have given to items that most people think don't have them. But the illogical part of my brain tells me they do. If I mop a floor then the whole floor has to be mopped, because otherwise some of it will feel sad that it hasn't been cleaned. If you chew a certain number of times on one side of your mouth then you have to do the same on the other or something bad could happen (trust me on this one, I've had 2 wisdom teeth out in Asia). By staying away from home as long as I did, by believing my illogical brain was how I was meant to be for as long as I did, by putting others before myself as I still do on occasion (It is hard not to fall back into that trap) I missed out on so much. It has taken what I have been through (and am still going through) for me to realize how important the people around you are. We like to say they are your tribe. They pick you up when you are falling down and will hold you up when you stumble. They are the people who you don't feel like you deserve, the people who have helped to shape you into the strong, intelligent person that you are. They are the people who you tell you love whenever you have the chance for 2 reasons: 1. Because you do. You honestly completely do; 2. Because your illogical brain is thinking of all the things that could happen to them and all the ways you could never see them again because you haven't been enough. So as hard as it may be, start small. Tell people you love them, you appreciate them. Instead of saying sorry for not going out or for not being able to face the day when you have planned something together, say thank you to them for changing plans and doing something else. Say thank you to them for waiting for you while it took you a while to shower or even thank them for putting up with your stench because you haven't showered in 3 days and you're not sure if you will tomorrow. Celebrate the teeny tiny things with a thank you, maybe even a smile. Because that is never time missed. Make sure that you feel and know (in all of your brain) that you have let your tribe know how important they are to you. Because they are. .They are there for you and you alone. You are enough. You are not alone. You are ok.
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