So once you start on the journey of trying to figure out your head and which messages are coming from your illogical brain things should become easier right?
The problem with this is (and I am unsure if it is only from a C-PTSD perspective but that's the only one I can use) is that you have these things that they call triggers. These are things that make you feel like you are in a situation that you have been in before which was negative and had a very negative influence on you. For example: in one of my previous relationships whenever my boyfriend drank outside of our apartment he would find something wrong with me (appearance, personality, pretty much anything) He would then argue with me, take my money and walk off. This would end with me following him to a taxi, which he would get in and leave me to walk home from where ever we were. This resulted in me firstly being unable to be around people who were drinking for fear that everyone would react the same way. Secondly it meant that should I be with anyone who had been drinking and walking somewhere, if they happened to walk in front of me I would automatically assume it meant that they were going to leave me. This would happen if I was stone cold sober or if I had had a cider to be socially acceptable. This happened while out with different people and was just such a knee jerk reaction that I didn't even realise how not normal it was. When I started therapy I went in thinking that I had no triggers. Nothing at all. I just had a brain that was being silly. The interesting part about therapy is that we didn't work to point out the triggers themselves, we educated my logical brain so it could see more of when the illogical brain was taking control. This worked more on a kind of: 1. Think the thought. 2. Try and work out which brain it is coming from. 3. Come up with reactions for both and think which feels more unusual. 4. Try going with the reaction that wasn't ingrained and see what happened. This is taxing to do and I'm not sure I have explained it in the best way possible so I'll give you a an example. The problem here is that (as with anyone who is a survivor of abuse of any kind) over time you become conditioned to think in a certain way, which then becomes your new normal. Basically this means that your reaction to something that others would see as completely mundane, is completing over the top. So basically something as simple as going out for dinner becomes the crazy huge ordeal. When I look back on it now it just seems so crazy. So basically there were rules (I didn't realise it then but I do now) for when we went out for food. First off, we only went for food when he wanted to, the rest of the time I would have to order it. Secondly, my outfit and appearance had to be approved by him before we could go. Third, it could only be a place that he wanted to go. (If I was really good we might be allowed to go for one of the foods he knew I loved). Fourth, I would always have something that cost less than his meal (because I was less important). Fifth, I had to have meat in whatever I was eating. Sixth, There were certain topics that I was not allowed to talk about, for example anything to do with my job that he wasn't doing ( I was in a higher position than him, anything to do with any of the men in the male dominated office I worked in). And so on. I think you get the picture. Writing that list as strange as I look back in a way and see that person as a separate person to the one that I am now. It seems crazy to my brain now that there are so many rules that I was following that I genuinely thought were just part of every day life. It genuinely made me feel quite sad and I had to pause writing this post to try and process some of how this was making me feel as there is still a lot from this that I have chosen to keep in the cupboard in terms of emotions but it is helping to work through it at a pace that I find reasonable as well as helpful for me. Too much in one go in just massively overwhelming and because I ignored/refused to deal with the emotions for so long that now they come out when I'm not expecting it. The thing is some of those enforced habits you carry with you. To this day I will not order first unless we have decided beforehand that I am paying, and it still happens rarely. So with the therapy you start to look at what actions you are doing. Then you look at why you are doing them. Then you have to think of how you can make them seem ok to your illogical brain if you stop doing them. If we break down some of the rule examples from above and apply them to my life afterwards. I worked afterwards so could still pay for things. I would always make sure that I was paying for things for people (makes their life easier and them happier is the reasoning I gave myself). For a long time I would not go out for food with people, I just simply didn't. I would cook or eat salad (which is mainly what I ate for months) One of the big ones was appearance. When I put on clothes I had to view them from a strange point of view, they had to be both attractive and modest. That way I had covered all bases. Now when I get dressed, I put on the things that I want to wear. If I want to wear shorts then I will. It feels so incredibly empowering to be able to wear items of clothing that I feel comfortable in rather than what someone else has chosen for me. So the thought pattern becomes: 1. Can I wear this outfit for dinner? 2. Thoughts come from both brains (For ease here I have made the logical brain thoughts italic and the illogical brain thoughts bold): Can I wear shorts? Which t-shirt can I wear with shorts? Should I have my Arms covered? What will make people mad if I wear shorts? Am I revealing enough skin? Am I revealing too much skin? Will anyone else be wearing shorts? Are they too short? Do I look fat in them? Is it too cold to wear shorts? Should I take a jumper? 3. Yes I can wear shorts, I can wear that t-shirt with shorts. There isn't a specific reason why I should. I don't think it will make people mad but I'll check what mood he is in first. Unsure. Unsure. I have no idea. I will be in trouble if they are. I hope not but maybe I have a pee belly. It may be but my legs don't ever get that could. Yes, I will always take a jumper, because I always get cold. 4. Ingrained reaction: I will wear long shorts just in case and check my outfit with him before we leave. New reaction: I will take a jumper in case I get cold but I like these shorts so I am going to wear them. When you write it, it doesn't seem like it is that much of a change. It definitely does not look like it should take this much time or energy but it has. The actions and thoughts have been so repeatedly pushed into my head that I genuinely believed that I had to have approval for my clothing. Changing a thought process is hard work. It take a lot of being present (something that you tend not to do when you are busy being extremely anxious or depressed). Being present is one of the best gifts you can give yourself when moments are good. You have to be able to recognise the thought pattern to begin with and see that it is having a detrimental effect on you. Then you have to work towards constantly change that pattern by changing the outcome of the thought and turning it into something more positive or beneficial to you., you really do have to work at it., That said it's an incredible reward. This teeny tiny part of me is now under my control. it is now my actions that determine what I wear, no one else has control of that. I am able and allowed to do that. So give it a go. Take that one teeny tiny part of your struggle that you think you can conquer and go for it. You can do it. You are allowed to do it. You are enough. You are not alone. You are ok.
3 Comments
4/17/2020 11:06:29 am
This is a real talk, and I agree. Before, I'm always trying to figure out what others will think or tell me if I do such a thing. Not anymore, thanks for this nice post!
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