When you have mental health issues, it becomes incredibly easy just to focus on you. It kind of spirals in a smaller and smaller loop that feels like everything is to do with you.
Obviously this makes it difficult for people around you. I've written in previous posts how important it is to have a tribe, they are some of the best people you will have in your life, people who will see you at your worst and support you while seeing you at your best and celebrating you. When in the grips of a depressive episode it becomes increasingly difficult to focus on anything that is not the insanity inside your head. Everything that happens around you somehow seems to be related to it and is often ways in which you are doing thing wrong, or how you are not enough. The problem with this is that we put our tribes through a heck of a lot. They have to spend time guessing what we need when we are unable/unwilling to tell them. They have to be emotionally available and often need to be physically present too. There is all the worry that they have which they try to hide from us. There is all the time spent coming up with ideas they feel could help in some way. When a breakdown occurs, it is exactly that. For me personally I become unable to speak and cannot move. I just sob. I can't explain why, I can't explain what has started it. I don't know when it will stop. It's kind of like a complete terror makes me unable to move and a complete hopelessness makes me not want to. (Once I was driving to the airport to pick my sister up. I could tell something was up but wasn't as in tune with my body then. Long story short my mother picked me up, drove to the airport, picked up my sister and dropped her off at her car, while I sobbed unconsolably in the passenger seat. It was a 45 minute journey to the airport). My mother had been working that day and was already tired - this was in the evening. she had already settled down to have dinner with my father but didn't hesitate to come and get me. There is no immediate gratitude from a person struggling with their mental health. This makes us difficult to deal with too. I didn't properly thank my mother until a few days later when I had started to recover. And this can be draining on a relationship with anyone not just with a spouse. It's very easy not to communicate with someone when you are feeling lost in depression. The problem with this is then that it makes it that much harder when you do start. All of this takes time. There has to be a relationship between the two parties that both sides feel safe in. There has to be communication. There has to be respect. And the kicker is that you don't feel that you deserve that respect. You don't feel like you can take from someone else to help you feel safe. You don't feel that you are worth communicating with. This is what makes it such a huge struggle. So you'll make plans to meet up with someone and you'll be late (because it's hard leaving the house, you walked slowly, you didn't know how what to wear etc) and when you see them you'll apologise for being late. But what if you didn't? What if you thanked them for waiting for you? What if we use the power of our words to reinforce how much we appreciate our tribes rather than apologising and making it more ammunition for our illogical brains. This is something I've been trying recently. I have to say it's difficult. The first instinct is to apologise for everything but with saying thank you, you have to find a positive in the situation. Recovery from mental illness or the journey to become more together with your illogical brain is about changing patterns in your behaviour. This may seem like a tiny thing but it's helping out so far. So give it a go. Thank your tribe when you want to apologise. Because we will all get stronger. Together. You are enough. You are not alone. You are ok.
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