One of the things about having bad mental health or an illogical brain is that it changes small things. Things that you don't realise until they are pointed out to you. Then you look at yourself and who you are now and you wonder, how did I get here? All of a sudden you have to take a look at yourself and how parts of you have changed and how you didn't even realise.
One example of this is two little words. Victims of abuse (and this is from an article someone close to me read which made me stop and think) stop saying thank you as much and start saying I'm sorry. Part of the issue with severe anxiety is it makes you think of every thing. Couple it with depression and the thoughts that brings and it becomes everything that you could do better. Add in a nice large helping of Complex PTSD amd you end up with a nice spiral of everything you could possibly think of and then how you can do it better because you are worth so little. You have to somehow prove your worth and the worst part is that you have to prove it to yourself too. The part that gets me the most is that I am the last person my illogical brain tells me I should care about because everyone else has to be ok first. So it ends up in some kind of mad battle with the different parts of my brain. This is not what it is like for every mental illness. I can only speak about my own experiences and how they have changed me and people around me. When I was told about the victims (I've never liked the word choice because I feel like lots of people have it a lot worse) of abuse, it made me pause and then look at my own actions. If someone comes into a room or an area that I am in with something (actions or words) that make it seem like they are not happy, my immediate response is 'what's wrong?. This in itself is a perfectly adaquate response I think but when I am doing it whenever anyone has any slight change in how they are it becomes a bit overwhelming for all concerned. âFor me, this has taken a considerable effort to work on because it had become so engrained as part of me. But I'm not that person who constantly has to look behind them because they are being followed by someone who will use all of their actions against them. The use of the words 'I'm sorry' come about because you preempt the fact that you will have done something wrong and you need to fix it before anything gets worse. You have to make the situation better because clearly you are the one who has caused it through whatever you did that was not good enough. Lately I've been trying to be more positive. I cannot achieve everything in one day so now I take the time to think of one goal to achieve throughout each day. When I accomplish it, then I allow myself to feel good about it. Because I have done it, regardless of what it is, I set out to do it and I've done it. With apologising all the time it becomes a constant reminder of who you were at your lowest. It took so much time for me to even begin to believe that I was valid in feeling the way that I did (and still do, just with more of a handle on what is actually happening and what my brain is telling me is happening). It took so many people with their patience and kindness over things that I couldn't even explain because I did not understand what was happening inside my head. To that end I have been trying to use the words 'thank you' more often. Instead of saying 'I'm sorry I did this or that' I look for a postive thing to be thankful of. One recent example of this is being with training the new rescuse puppy where I am staying. Even when she pees on the bed (she is maybe 5 weeks old at a push and hasn't been a house dog before) instead of saying I'm sorry the puppy peed on the bed', I can say 'Thank you for showing me that I should run outside with her when she starts peeing'. That way, we are all learning together and I get some cardio in. And to that end there are many things that I can say thank you for. Thank you to the tribe of people (you know who you are) who have spent your time and energy on just being with me. I do not have the words in my vocabulary to adaquately express how thankful I am for each and every one of you. You continue to prop me up when I stumble and support me when I falter. pl Thank you to the Love of my life for showing me true love and for our beautiful life, for communicating with me and accepting me with all my flaws. Thank you to the people (old and new) who have listened. To the people who have blessed me with their times, with their ears and with their wisdom. Who have never judged me but work with ne so I feel safe and valid in my emotions. âThank you to the random strangers who have given me a smile when I've been feeling down, who have hugged me when I've been breaking down or who have given me heartfelt advice on where to go from here. It's a huge struggle every day. But looking at where I am now compared to where I was when I started this journey, the transformation is insane. It is not complete by any stretch of the imagination. But if I can now start to see positives in little every day things, then so can you. It's so worth it. âYou are enough. You are not alone. You are ok.
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