With my mental illness I find it very hard to get angry at others. It all becomes an internal battle about how I have not been good enough and I berate myself about how I have not been good enough and how I am not doing enough to make people happy.
The problem with this is two fold. It's bad because I am feeding the illogical brain and makes me believe more of what it is saying. It helps to send me into spirals and behave in ways that perhaps I wouldn't normally. It feeds the anxiety and makes it become something that I find almost impossible to work with. I become lost inside of the thoughts and just become a nightmare for myself and others around me. It's also bad because it gives power to the people/actions/things that have caused the negative emotion that I am suppressing. By not allow myself to feel the emotion I'm effectively locking it in a cupboard and it will come back to haunt me. This is something that I am well aware of after working through and exploring my feelings and reactions to them in therapy. By holding onto this anger or being unable to process it in a productive way, I stunt my healing. As difficult as it is to admit to this because it means that then I am acknowledging that I have to work through these emotions. As someone who has experienced a lot of domestic abuse, avoiding confrontation at all costs is incredibly important to me. I would rather do almost anything than have a confrontation or disagreement with someone. Part of this is because I feel that my emotions are not valid and the other part is because bad things have happened to me in the past when I have spoken up about something. The problem here is that I then end up carrying this emotion and it gets in the way of the good emotions I could and should be carrying. By bottling up the anger I allow it (subconsciously or consciously) to have so much control over the negative parts of me. I do also find that holding onto this anger does show in aches and pains that will appear over my body. It definitely makes me more susceptible to catching anything that it going around as more time is being spent on negative emotions than healing myself. The upside to this (we always have to have an upside!) is that it allows me to think how what I do or say affects others. It also gives me the insight into how others could be feeling by what they are doing rather than what they are saying. I like this side of it because it makes me much more aware of others and the struggles they could be facing or the mood they could be in that day. The main part of this is to express in some way what your anger looks like and how it effects you. Since I love a list, that's how I'll do it. 1. I have an amount of anger towards my ex for me being in the situation I ended up in after leaving our relationship. I didn't deserve what was done in that relationship and I definitely did not deserve being treated with that little respect. 2. I have some anger towards my childhood. It wasn't terrible don't get me wrong but it was always busy with a lot of people around and I felt a lot more like someone who had to make sure others were ok, rather than a member of the family that was equally cared about. 3. I have an anger towards one of my siblings who took advantage of my position to the have me cater to them. They refused to accept my feelings or give me any kind of validation that what I was going through was important. 4. I have an anger towards myself, for holding onto this emotions and also for not being good enough to walk away from negative situations as well as not being able to ask for help when I needed it. 5. I have an anger towards other people who don't respect others, people who think that they are right and that is it. People cannot grow if they remain stuck in their ways and by giving the opinions of others such little regard it reinforces (for me anyway) that I am worth nothing and so are my opinions. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of anger to work through but by admitting it then I have already taken a huge step. By being able to name the things I feel are issues I am naming them and can then take the steps to help me work through them. This is by no means the end of this but it is work in the right direction. By letting go of the negative emotions I will have more space in my life and my head for complete and utter enjoyment of the good emotions. (I am incredibly aware that the journey is in no way over, but I do feel a little proud that I have named the things that make me angry and that I am allowing myself to say that my emotions are valid and believe it). You are enough. You are not alone. You are ok.
1 Comment
3/21/2020 06:22:57 am
Anger is okay if you reflect and figure out how it affects others. Very good piece
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