So when you leave an abusive relationship and fly back to your home on the other side of the world (because it is one of the few countries that you can get into but your ex cannot) it is strange. I am English. I grew up in England. I spent most of my life in South East England and had only been to a couple of European countries. When I was 21, I moved to China for what I thought was going to be a year, it turned out to be 6 and a half years. This means I spent my formative adult years on the other side of the world to what I grew up with. When I came back I didn't have people here that I had had a whole lot of contact with while I was away. I've always been bad at keeping in contact with people and to be honest I didn't really want to see people when I came back. I felt like I had failed. It compounded the feeling of not being good enough as I had moved back into my parents and also I came back without a job. When I came home, someone built up a close relationship with me. They would spend time with me, let me talk about how I was feeling in what I believed to be a safe space and spent time outside with me and their dog. This happened over a few months. During this time I was supposed to begin a new job in a new country but I had received news that my ex had heard about the job and had also applied. I was also still be emailed by my ex who had tried messaging my family members and my friends as well as emailing them too. During this time I would eat what they wanted, do what they wanted and be available for when they wanted me, What I had basically done was replace one person controlling my life with another. This was not a great move but in my befuddled state I couldn't see what I was doing. It took months before I even tried reaching out for any kind of serious help and there were set backs on that journey. When you surround yourself with people who become your tribe, there has to be a safe place. created for everyone in that group. They need to be people that you trust, who you will support at their worst and celebrate them at their best while they do the same for you. When you find yourself to be in a tribe of someone who is not supportive, it really does screw with your brain. When this happened to me it hampered my mind a lot. It made me believe more that every one behaved in the way that I had been treated and that I genuinely was not enough. I clearly wasn't good enough to be by myself or my own person. This showed in a bunch of different ways. They felt threatened when I would talk about what happened to me and would switch the conversation onto something that was about them and how bad their life was. Here's the thing: bad things happen to people and people respond to bad things in different ways. there is no comparing of this or a scale system showing you how bad your event(s) were compared to those of someone else. The important thing is to listen and be there for people when they need, even if they don't realise/think that they need you. The effects of this could be felt in a number of small ways: I wouldn't go out by myself (hampering me from forming relationships with other people); I felt like my thoughts weren't important; I failed to ask for help for a long time; I had placed someone else ahead of myself; I trivialised my own experiences because they would have made someone else feel bad or that their experiences were not valid. This relationship became strained when I started to ask for help from other sources. I would spend time with other people and then I got a full time job. This obviously cut down on the amount of time we could spend together. Around the time of starting my job was when I began therapy. This process first involved a phone call to Health in Mind before being called back for a more in depth assessment, before being given the opportunity to work with a wonderful lady who really helped me. When I was assigned the therapist, it further effected the relationship. Now they decided that they would do the same thing as me because they were really finding things difficult. This wasn't an issue at all and I encourage every one to find the help that they need when they feel able, but it was used as a chance to belittle what was happening to me. This in turn made things more difficult for me because I was beginning to try and put myself first whilst being told that I wasn't being worth being put first by someone who I trusted. When we choose the people we have relationships with, we need to make sure that they are people who fully have your back, while you fully have theirs. When you have an illogical brain you will look for people who fit into the skewed view that you have of yourself but this is something you have to work past. While you explore your mind, you need to be reassured that your tribe are there for you and that you are there for them. It's difficult. Sometimes it is beyond difficult. You have to look at yourself and pull yourself to pieces to figure out which parts of you are helping others and which parts are helping you. Your tribe wants you to be the best version of yourself and you want your tribe to be the best version of themselves, never forget that. You are enough. You are not alone. You are ok.
1 Comment
So once you start on the journey of trying to figure out your head and which messages are coming from your illogical brain things should become easier right?
The problem with this is (and I am unsure if it is only from a C-PTSD perspective but that's the only one I can use) is that you have these things that they call triggers. These are things that make you feel like you are in a situation that you have been in before which was negative and had a very negative influence on you. For example: in one of my previous relationships whenever my boyfriend drank outside of our apartment he would find something wrong with me (appearance, personality, pretty much anything) He would then argue with me, take my money and walk off. This would end with me following him to a taxi, which he would get in and leave me to walk home from where ever we were. This resulted in me firstly being unable to be around people who were drinking for fear that everyone would react the same way. Secondly it meant that should I be with anyone who had been drinking and walking somewhere, if they happened to walk in front of me I would automatically assume it meant that they were going to leave me. This would happen if I was stone cold sober or if I had had a cider to be socially acceptable. This happened while out with different people and was just such a knee jerk reaction that I didn't even realise how not normal it was. When I started therapy I went in thinking that I had no triggers. Nothing at all. I just had a brain that was being silly. The interesting part about therapy is that we didn't work to point out the triggers themselves, we educated my logical brain so it could see more of when the illogical brain was taking control. This worked more on a kind of: 1. Think the thought. 2. Try and work out which brain it is coming from. 3. Come up with reactions for both and think which feels more unusual. 4. Try going with the reaction that wasn't ingrained and see what happened. This is taxing to do and I'm not sure I have explained it in the best way possible so I'll give you a an example. The problem here is that (as with anyone who is a survivor of abuse of any kind) over time you become conditioned to think in a certain way, which then becomes your new normal. Basically this means that your reaction to something that others would see as completely mundane, is completing over the top. So basically something as simple as going out for dinner becomes the crazy huge ordeal. When I look back on it now it just seems so crazy. So basically there were rules (I didn't realise it then but I do now) for when we went out for food. First off, we only went for food when he wanted to, the rest of the time I would have to order it. Secondly, my outfit and appearance had to be approved by him before we could go. Third, it could only be a place that he wanted to go. (If I was really good we might be allowed to go for one of the foods he knew I loved). Fourth, I would always have something that cost less than his meal (because I was less important). Fifth, I had to have meat in whatever I was eating. Sixth, There were certain topics that I was not allowed to talk about, for example anything to do with my job that he wasn't doing ( I was in a higher position than him, anything to do with any of the men in the male dominated office I worked in). And so on. I think you get the picture. Writing that list as strange as I look back in a way and see that person as a separate person to the one that I am now. It seems crazy to my brain now that there are so many rules that I was following that I genuinely thought were just part of every day life. It genuinely made me feel quite sad and I had to pause writing this post to try and process some of how this was making me feel as there is still a lot from this that I have chosen to keep in the cupboard in terms of emotions but it is helping to work through it at a pace that I find reasonable as well as helpful for me. Too much in one go in just massively overwhelming and because I ignored/refused to deal with the emotions for so long that now they come out when I'm not expecting it. The thing is some of those enforced habits you carry with you. To this day I will not order first unless we have decided beforehand that I am paying, and it still happens rarely. So with the therapy you start to look at what actions you are doing. Then you look at why you are doing them. Then you have to think of how you can make them seem ok to your illogical brain if you stop doing them. If we break down some of the rule examples from above and apply them to my life afterwards. I worked afterwards so could still pay for things. I would always make sure that I was paying for things for people (makes their life easier and them happier is the reasoning I gave myself). For a long time I would not go out for food with people, I just simply didn't. I would cook or eat salad (which is mainly what I ate for months) One of the big ones was appearance. When I put on clothes I had to view them from a strange point of view, they had to be both attractive and modest. That way I had covered all bases. Now when I get dressed, I put on the things that I want to wear. If I want to wear shorts then I will. It feels so incredibly empowering to be able to wear items of clothing that I feel comfortable in rather than what someone else has chosen for me. So the thought pattern becomes: 1. Can I wear this outfit for dinner? 2. Thoughts come from both brains (For ease here I have made the logical brain thoughts italic and the illogical brain thoughts bold): Can I wear shorts? Which t-shirt can I wear with shorts? Should I have my Arms covered? What will make people mad if I wear shorts? Am I revealing enough skin? Am I revealing too much skin? Will anyone else be wearing shorts? Are they too short? Do I look fat in them? Is it too cold to wear shorts? Should I take a jumper? 3. Yes I can wear shorts, I can wear that t-shirt with shorts. There isn't a specific reason why I should. I don't think it will make people mad but I'll check what mood he is in first. Unsure. Unsure. I have no idea. I will be in trouble if they are. I hope not but maybe I have a pee belly. It may be but my legs don't ever get that could. Yes, I will always take a jumper, because I always get cold. 4. Ingrained reaction: I will wear long shorts just in case and check my outfit with him before we leave. New reaction: I will take a jumper in case I get cold but I like these shorts so I am going to wear them. When you write it, it doesn't seem like it is that much of a change. It definitely does not look like it should take this much time or energy but it has. The actions and thoughts have been so repeatedly pushed into my head that I genuinely believed that I had to have approval for my clothing. Changing a thought process is hard work. It take a lot of being present (something that you tend not to do when you are busy being extremely anxious or depressed). Being present is one of the best gifts you can give yourself when moments are good. You have to be able to recognise the thought pattern to begin with and see that it is having a detrimental effect on you. Then you have to work towards constantly change that pattern by changing the outcome of the thought and turning it into something more positive or beneficial to you., you really do have to work at it., That said it's an incredible reward. This teeny tiny part of me is now under my control. it is now my actions that determine what I wear, no one else has control of that. I am able and allowed to do that. So give it a go. Take that one teeny tiny part of your struggle that you think you can conquer and go for it. You can do it. You are allowed to do it. You are enough. You are not alone. You are ok. Before I begin this week’s blog, here is the link for a free online CBT Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) course that runs over 8 weeks. I’m aware that some people may not be able to have their therapy appointments or may want a refresher course or even to see what therapy can do for them. You do it by yourself so can learn at your own pace and I’m finding it useful so you may too. I’ll put it in the website section too.
https://cimhs.com/ Any person who struggles with anxiety will eventually let you know that they do. It might not be through what they say but more of what they do or how prepared they are. It has taken a couple of years but I have now gotten the day bag down to essentials. There used to be a heck of a lot of stuff in this bag that I would carry round or keep in the car, just in case. Literally anything that you could think of that somebody might need; if you go and pick them up from somewhere; while you are out exploring or even just on a bus trip to a new city. This was never a problem I used to have. Circumstances meant that I became a much more of a pack rat because I felt that I had to make everything the best it could be for everyone else. The current situation in the world is worrying for everyone. Some people believe they are invincible and just carry on. Others are finding their entire lives being affected in ways they couldn’t even have imagined. Lockdowns are happening in every country. People are unable to use support systems they have put in place to help them just through the every day and now they are being slowly forced to face issues that they may have found ways to cope with. Being alone is a huge fear for many. For others (myself mostly included) being alone can have its ups and downs. I love to spend time by myself or with people who are close to me that I don’t feel forced to make conversation with. However I cannot be around anyone who I don’t know that well and have silence. I have been conditioned (in a way) to think that if someone is silent it is because they are thinking up all the ways to tell me how I haven’t done enough/been good enough/helped them enough/cooked good enough food/cleaned well enough/ done my job well enough and so on. This is a huge issue for me to the point where I often spend time cooking while listening to a TV show or documentary. If other people come if then I’ll turn it off but I just cannot stand the silence. It drives my anxiety like you would not believe and is probably one of the C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) triggers. I am fully aware that it drives people around me crazy sometimes because it requires reassurance. Imagine you sit down for dinner. I’ve cooked and I think it’s pretty good. I’m made something that I know you like to eat. We sit down and I’ll probably start by asking you if you want a drink. Then I’ll get the drink. Then maybe you want salt or pepper. Then what if you want a sauce. Also there is a bit left, would you like some more? (I’ve never learned how to cook just for a few; it comes from having a ginormous family) Also maybe I should have made a side, would you like one? Do you want something sweet for after? Do you want something else to drink? Is it too hot? Is it too cold? Did I season it enough? What would improve it? And this is only what you are hearing. There is no way that you can enjoy a meal with a barrage of questions like that continuing all the time you are eating. Plus then I am up and down more times than a jack in a box, which must be super distracting. Not only does it then diminish the experience of someone eating your food, it also is a gateway into negative thought patterns that your illogical brain wants you to be in. This is where being mindful of your actions comes in. It sounds a bit like mumbo jumbo until you look at one small area that you can use it in and see the effects. This can happen in any area of your life that you choose. A basic example of this for me is limiting myself to asking 2 questions about the meal and then thinking of questions to ask about other topics. How can I take what I already do and feel a need to do and make it more helpful for me and for others? This never happens right away. You always have to remind yourself – as you would with any new behavior be it starting a new eating regime or being a gym routine. It takes time, it takes patience and it takes a lot of work. Also people tend to bite off more than they can chew. If you try and apply this to every area of your life in one go then you will fail. I’m sorry but I’ve been there and it’s true. As much as it would be great if you could, nothing worth it is ever easy. So let’s take one tiny part of your life. Let’s think of one small step that you can take to carry on this journey in the fight against illogical brains. Since we are stuck in isolation there have been a lot more movies playing (it’s finally a chance to catch up on all the films I have never seen that everyone talks about!) So I’m going to limit myself to only getting up twice a film. That’s a lot more of a challenge than it may seem, as I will happily get up every 3 minutes for something that my brain has decided is important. And although this seems like it is a strange idea, by limiting the amount of times I get up and do something different, I’m making a conscious decision to be present in the moment, to enjoy what I am doing, what I am watching rather than allowing my mind to run off in any which way. And this takes a lot more than you might realize. Also as people who spend a lot of time in our heads, it is a strangely liberating feeling to have one tiny portion of your life that you focus on spending outside of it. You have the freedom to take actual experiences for what they are, rather than allowing your illogical brain to be in charge of your perception. And I think that is pretty damn amazing. You are enough. You are not alone. You are ok. So now as I sit here on the other side of the world from all of my relatives in the midst of the global panic about Coronavirus it gives me time to think about me (in a self obsessed kind of way that people with mental heath issues both love and hate). Isolation is a depressed persons dream. I don’t have to go outside, I don’t have to wash; I don’t even have to get out of bed if I don’t want to. Spending time away from people and away from having interactions that I panic about sounds like a dream. The problem there is that it feeds into the negative cycle. And as anyone will tell you, that cycle is not your friend. As much as it might seem that it is. When the cycle starts getting out of control it takes you away from where you are. You become “in your head”. This term applies to how far removed you are from what is happening around you as the silent battle inside your head becomes louder and angrier. When that battle rages for a while it becomes impossible to focus on anything else or to be present in the current. You believe more and more the negativity and it just spirals out of control. The past couple of weeks have been confusing and anxiety inducing for all of us so it’s time to whip out the big guns as it were. When this happens you can try to use a technique called ‘grounding’ or ‘anchoring’. I have constantly used getting piercings, as a way to bring myself back into the room, obviously the issue with this is that I will run out of things to pierce or money. It is not the healthiest of methods so I have been learning new methods to help and I’d like to share them with you. So let’s look at what we can use to help ourselves in this time of isolation and anxiety. First let’s just focus on our breathing. Just in and out, in and out. That’s all there is and we can definitely do that (we’ve been doing it for long enough!) Now think about what you can feel. Touching something with my hands always help to ground me and bring me slightly back into the moment. I wear jewelry that I can play with when I feel myself starting to slip away (one good one is my necklace because I like to make sure the knot is on the back). How do your clothes feel? Can you feel any zips or buttons? What about your feet, what can you feel with them? What can you smell? What can you hear? By listening in turn to your senses you can work slowly to bring yourself back to what is currently happening rather than being in a place that is really not your friend. There is another technique that people use which is very helpful. This technique use visualization. Think of a place that you find very calming, a place that you find accepting and that you feel safe in. This place can be anywhere., there is no right answer here. Think about the answers to the following questions. What is around you? What can you see? What can you feel? What can you smell? What can you hear? What is it there that you feel is helping to ground you? Focus on that and use it to help you breathe through the battle in your head. There is no right or wrong to this, it is whatever works for you. If your happy place is next to a waterfall drinking a coffee with your best friends or lying in a field full of puppies with bubbles. Remember to breathe. Whatever you are feeling is valid. Whatever you need to get you through is allowed. You are enough. You are not alone. You are ok. With my mental illness I find it very hard to get angry at others. It all becomes an internal battle about how I have not been good enough and I berate myself about how I have not been good enough and how I am not doing enough to make people happy.
The problem with this is two fold. It's bad because I am feeding the illogical brain and makes me believe more of what it is saying. It helps to send me into spirals and behave in ways that perhaps I wouldn't normally. It feeds the anxiety and makes it become something that I find almost impossible to work with. I become lost inside of the thoughts and just become a nightmare for myself and others around me. It's also bad because it gives power to the people/actions/things that have caused the negative emotion that I am suppressing. By not allow myself to feel the emotion I'm effectively locking it in a cupboard and it will come back to haunt me. This is something that I am well aware of after working through and exploring my feelings and reactions to them in therapy. By holding onto this anger or being unable to process it in a productive way, I stunt my healing. As difficult as it is to admit to this because it means that then I am acknowledging that I have to work through these emotions. As someone who has experienced a lot of domestic abuse, avoiding confrontation at all costs is incredibly important to me. I would rather do almost anything than have a confrontation or disagreement with someone. Part of this is because I feel that my emotions are not valid and the other part is because bad things have happened to me in the past when I have spoken up about something. The problem here is that I then end up carrying this emotion and it gets in the way of the good emotions I could and should be carrying. By bottling up the anger I allow it (subconsciously or consciously) to have so much control over the negative parts of me. I do also find that holding onto this anger does show in aches and pains that will appear over my body. It definitely makes me more susceptible to catching anything that it going around as more time is being spent on negative emotions than healing myself. The upside to this (we always have to have an upside!) is that it allows me to think how what I do or say affects others. It also gives me the insight into how others could be feeling by what they are doing rather than what they are saying. I like this side of it because it makes me much more aware of others and the struggles they could be facing or the mood they could be in that day. The main part of this is to express in some way what your anger looks like and how it effects you. Since I love a list, that's how I'll do it. 1. I have an amount of anger towards my ex for me being in the situation I ended up in after leaving our relationship. I didn't deserve what was done in that relationship and I definitely did not deserve being treated with that little respect. 2. I have some anger towards my childhood. It wasn't terrible don't get me wrong but it was always busy with a lot of people around and I felt a lot more like someone who had to make sure others were ok, rather than a member of the family that was equally cared about. 3. I have an anger towards one of my siblings who took advantage of my position to the have me cater to them. They refused to accept my feelings or give me any kind of validation that what I was going through was important. 4. I have an anger towards myself, for holding onto this emotions and also for not being good enough to walk away from negative situations as well as not being able to ask for help when I needed it. 5. I have an anger towards other people who don't respect others, people who think that they are right and that is it. People cannot grow if they remain stuck in their ways and by giving the opinions of others such little regard it reinforces (for me anyway) that I am worth nothing and so are my opinions. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of anger to work through but by admitting it then I have already taken a huge step. By being able to name the things I feel are issues I am naming them and can then take the steps to help me work through them. This is by no means the end of this but it is work in the right direction. By letting go of the negative emotions I will have more space in my life and my head for complete and utter enjoyment of the good emotions. (I am incredibly aware that the journey is in no way over, but I do feel a little proud that I have named the things that make me angry and that I am allowing myself to say that my emotions are valid and believe it). You are enough. You are not alone. You are ok. When you have mental health issues, it becomes incredibly easy just to focus on you. It kind of spirals in a smaller and smaller loop that feels like everything is to do with you.
Obviously this makes it difficult for people around you. I've written in previous posts how important it is to have a tribe, they are some of the best people you will have in your life, people who will see you at your worst and support you while seeing you at your best and celebrating you. When in the grips of a depressive episode it becomes increasingly difficult to focus on anything that is not the insanity inside your head. Everything that happens around you somehow seems to be related to it and is often ways in which you are doing thing wrong, or how you are not enough. The problem with this is that we put our tribes through a heck of a lot. They have to spend time guessing what we need when we are unable/unwilling to tell them. They have to be emotionally available and often need to be physically present too. There is all the worry that they have which they try to hide from us. There is all the time spent coming up with ideas they feel could help in some way. When a breakdown occurs, it is exactly that. For me personally I become unable to speak and cannot move. I just sob. I can't explain why, I can't explain what has started it. I don't know when it will stop. It's kind of like a complete terror makes me unable to move and a complete hopelessness makes me not want to. (Once I was driving to the airport to pick my sister up. I could tell something was up but wasn't as in tune with my body then. Long story short my mother picked me up, drove to the airport, picked up my sister and dropped her off at her car, while I sobbed unconsolably in the passenger seat. It was a 45 minute journey to the airport). My mother had been working that day and was already tired - this was in the evening. she had already settled down to have dinner with my father but didn't hesitate to come and get me. There is no immediate gratitude from a person struggling with their mental health. This makes us difficult to deal with too. I didn't properly thank my mother until a few days later when I had started to recover. And this can be draining on a relationship with anyone not just with a spouse. It's very easy not to communicate with someone when you are feeling lost in depression. The problem with this is then that it makes it that much harder when you do start. All of this takes time. There has to be a relationship between the two parties that both sides feel safe in. There has to be communication. There has to be respect. And the kicker is that you don't feel that you deserve that respect. You don't feel like you can take from someone else to help you feel safe. You don't feel that you are worth communicating with. This is what makes it such a huge struggle. So you'll make plans to meet up with someone and you'll be late (because it's hard leaving the house, you walked slowly, you didn't know how what to wear etc) and when you see them you'll apologise for being late. But what if you didn't? What if you thanked them for waiting for you? What if we use the power of our words to reinforce how much we appreciate our tribes rather than apologising and making it more ammunition for our illogical brains. This is something I've been trying recently. I have to say it's difficult. The first instinct is to apologise for everything but with saying thank you, you have to find a positive in the situation. Recovery from mental illness or the journey to become more together with your illogical brain is about changing patterns in your behaviour. This may seem like a tiny thing but it's helping out so far. So give it a go. Thank your tribe when you want to apologise. Because we will all get stronger. Together. You are enough. You are not alone. You are ok. |
Archives
January 2021
Categories |