So when you leave an abusive relationship and fly back to your home on the other side of the world (because it is one of the few countries that you can get into but your ex cannot) it is strange. I am English. I grew up in England. I spent most of my life in South East England and had only been to a couple of European countries. When I was 21, I moved to China for what I thought was going to be a year, it turned out to be 6 and a half years. This means I spent my formative adult years on the other side of the world to what I grew up with. When I came back I didn't have people here that I had had a whole lot of contact with while I was away. I've always been bad at keeping in contact with people and to be honest I didn't really want to see people when I came back. I felt like I had failed. It compounded the feeling of not being good enough as I had moved back into my parents and also I came back without a job. When I came home, someone built up a close relationship with me. They would spend time with me, let me talk about how I was feeling in what I believed to be a safe space and spent time outside with me and their dog. This happened over a few months. During this time I was supposed to begin a new job in a new country but I had received news that my ex had heard about the job and had also applied. I was also still be emailed by my ex who had tried messaging my family members and my friends as well as emailing them too. During this time I would eat what they wanted, do what they wanted and be available for when they wanted me, What I had basically done was replace one person controlling my life with another. This was not a great move but in my befuddled state I couldn't see what I was doing. It took months before I even tried reaching out for any kind of serious help and there were set backs on that journey. When you surround yourself with people who become your tribe, there has to be a safe place. created for everyone in that group. They need to be people that you trust, who you will support at their worst and celebrate them at their best while they do the same for you. When you find yourself to be in a tribe of someone who is not supportive, it really does screw with your brain. When this happened to me it hampered my mind a lot. It made me believe more that every one behaved in the way that I had been treated and that I genuinely was not enough. I clearly wasn't good enough to be by myself or my own person. This showed in a bunch of different ways. They felt threatened when I would talk about what happened to me and would switch the conversation onto something that was about them and how bad their life was. Here's the thing: bad things happen to people and people respond to bad things in different ways. there is no comparing of this or a scale system showing you how bad your event(s) were compared to those of someone else. The important thing is to listen and be there for people when they need, even if they don't realise/think that they need you. The effects of this could be felt in a number of small ways: I wouldn't go out by myself (hampering me from forming relationships with other people); I felt like my thoughts weren't important; I failed to ask for help for a long time; I had placed someone else ahead of myself; I trivialised my own experiences because they would have made someone else feel bad or that their experiences were not valid. This relationship became strained when I started to ask for help from other sources. I would spend time with other people and then I got a full time job. This obviously cut down on the amount of time we could spend together. Around the time of starting my job was when I began therapy. This process first involved a phone call to Health in Mind before being called back for a more in depth assessment, before being given the opportunity to work with a wonderful lady who really helped me. When I was assigned the therapist, it further effected the relationship. Now they decided that they would do the same thing as me because they were really finding things difficult. This wasn't an issue at all and I encourage every one to find the help that they need when they feel able, but it was used as a chance to belittle what was happening to me. This in turn made things more difficult for me because I was beginning to try and put myself first whilst being told that I wasn't being worth being put first by someone who I trusted. When we choose the people we have relationships with, we need to make sure that they are people who fully have your back, while you fully have theirs. When you have an illogical brain you will look for people who fit into the skewed view that you have of yourself but this is something you have to work past. While you explore your mind, you need to be reassured that your tribe are there for you and that you are there for them. It's difficult. Sometimes it is beyond difficult. You have to look at yourself and pull yourself to pieces to figure out which parts of you are helping others and which parts are helping you. Your tribe wants you to be the best version of yourself and you want your tribe to be the best version of themselves, never forget that. You are enough. You are not alone. You are ok.
1 Comment
4/18/2020 08:49:17 am
What a nice read. I could actually relate to a lot of things you mentioned in this post. Keep up the good work. would love to read more from you :) xx
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