So one of the things that happens when you have an illogical brain is that you only hear or acknowledge the negative. This is kind of detrimental because it means you fail to focus on the positive. Obviously this doesn't really do any good for your mental state. This doesn't mean that you only hear the bad parts and brush them off. There is a whole thought process that follows hearing the negative. First you have ignored the positive. I used to give feedback to people and use a technique called the 'shit sandwich'. This is where you tell someone 2 good things and in the middle you say one bad thing. This way it softens the blow and can also help people to focus on the positive of what they are doing. (This also helped me because I was telling people more nice things than bad things so they could feel better) So when you are given feedback or a passing comment or having a conversation or being graded (or pretty much in any situation) there will inevitably be things that you are better at and things that you are worse at. It's part of being human. But your illogical brain does not compute that. It literally seizes on the negative and runs away with it. Really runs away it. Likes miles away from anything that could possibly be meant by it. So when you hear a negative comment your mind starts whirring. You begin by thinking what you could have done better so you wouldn't have been given that comment. You then have the delight of going on a journey through every possible thing that could have led up to it and how you could have done better before that so you wouldn't have been given that comment. You then make a whole bunch of resolutions on how you will be better. It's like you have to immediately change it so no one will ever think that way again. This uses a massive amount of mental energy and can be completely consuming. I used to get to the point at work where I would do something slightly wrong on purpose so I could control the negative comments. I would literally plan what would be the bad part of my day so I would be able to handle one negative comment. This is not normal brain behaviour. This is illogical brain behaviour. Although it did make others feel happy so then it made me feel better and also worse. Another thing that I see as a plus but is also time consuming and strange to others is that I give emotions to inanimate objects. Literally every thing you can think of. If I am mopping a floor I have to mop all of it or that part I have missed will be sad. Although not strictly part of paying attention only to the negative, it does tie in in my mind, because now you are finding ways to still feel negative about something. oSo how do you combat this? How do you retrain your brain to think more of the good and less of the bad?
The first answer that always goes with this kind of stuff is: with a lot of hard work. None of this stuff is ever easy but it's worth it. And that is something you have to keep telling yourself. It's very easy to look online and find all of these ways to make your mind look only for the positive. I looked to find other ways that I haven't been using to see if any of them would help. Part of the problem I saw with a lot of these sites (and I may just be far too cynical) is that they seem more for the instagram crowd rather than the illogical brain crowd. As mush as I would like every day to be picture perfect and my mind to be continually on an even keel as well as having time and motivation to work out, journal, be mindful, create an affirmation every day, make a list of things I'm grateful for every day and all the rest, I simply don't. I lack motivation a lot of the time as anyone with a depressive illness would know all about. I also have a way of getting completely lost in something and doing it for long periods of time every day. As someone who was unable to be in control of a lot of her environment, I tend now to go a bit too far when it comes to picking something up.. Easy example is thinking I had to work out twice a day (once in the morning when I first woke up with a cup of tea and then after I had worked for a bit) One of the worst things about this is seeing this is it can help to compound your negative feelings, so as much as there can be useful content in these articles and blog posts it can sometimes be difficult to find something that appeals to you. One of the things I've found that works is to focus on one thing. Literally one thing. Recognize that one thing and see how you can get your mind to make it positive. If we use the example of you having some stuff left on your desk at the end of the day and someone making a comment about it- immediately your mind has gone negative. However a way to flip this is to think that you will look busier than everyone else the next day because you will already be working when you get into work. Challenge yourself to flip just one of those negative thoughts and find a funny or a positive instead. Over time it will become easier for you to flip the thought and then you can move onto one or two other thoughts. Another thing that I have found reasonably helpful is to control how and what people are going to give you negative comments for. Bear with me because I know this sounds weird. But if you know an area that someone would critique you on and you have the ability to perhaps not do quite such a good job in that area (It's alright because that area would be happy that it was helping you) then you can prepare yourself for the comment. It sounds like a strange idea but it allows you to get more used to the idea of people giving comments. Seriously it used to be the case that I couldn't have any form of negative comment from anyone without crying. And not even just a little cry. A full on sob. Which is highly embarrassing when you are trying to pretend that everything is perfect, that you are a fully functioning adult and whilst wearing a pencil skirt (They can be hard to run in especially when you have a hole in your tights you've been hiding all day). The important thing to remember is that you are not going to do this overnight, I've been trying actively trying to do this for just over a year and I still cry. Luckily I don't have to wear the pencil skirts any more so it is a bit easier to run away. A lot of what happens when you recover from abusive situations (again my diagnosis came after being in a long term abusive situations but some I have had since my teenage years that I just didn't know about) is you have to test boundaries. You've essentially been locked in a box for so long that everything becomes a test. And to be fair one of the ways to get through this is to test everything, So why not make it something you can prepare yourself for? Third way that seems to be quite good and has worked for me on occasion is to write down these thoughts and all the tangents they go on. let your mind just go crazy and get it all down on paper. Or draw it. Or make a flow chart. Or a list. Whatever it takes to get it all out where you can see them. Once you feel that you are able to look at where your mind has gone. See which parts of the thoughts were powered by the illogical brain and which thoughts were negative. It also helps if you take note of the comment (S) that set off the train of thought. Go through and see which could actually happen and which are just the power of free rein on your illogical minds part. Seems like a lot of work but over time you will be able to see patterns that emerge. And then you can start to look out for these patterns. Once you know what you are looking for, you can start looking out for it when it is happening in real time. Once you start letting both parts of your brain realise that you are worthy of praise and you should be proud of things that you do and that you are, you make huge strides in your self worth. And you should definitely love yourself. Because you are worthy of love. But it needs to come from you first. You are enough. You are not alone. You are ok.
1 Comment
Eric
5/9/2020 08:43:35 am
Inspiring post :)
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